PARENTING IN SEASONS: LEARNING TO GROW AS OUR CHILDREN GROW | ADEBAYO MARTINS

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven.” 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NKJV)

One of the most important things a parent can understand is that parenting is not the same throughout a child's life. Children grow. Their needs change. Their understanding changes. Their personalities develop. Their capacity to make decisions increases. And as they grow, we must grow with them.

The parent who parents a three-year-old the same way they parent a seventeen-year-old will eventually create unnecessary tension. Likewise, an adult child does not need the same kind of parenting they received when they were six.

Parenting has seasons. A helpful way to understand these seasons is:

CARE — ages 0–5
COUNSEL — ages 6–11
COACHING — ages 12–21
CONSULTING — ages 22 and beyond

These four seasons can also be compared to the four seasons of weather: spring, summer, autumn and winter.

The goal is not simply to raise children who obey us. The goal is to raise children who know God, develop wisdom, build character, discover their gifts, take responsibility for their lives and eventually become healthy, responsible adults.

1. CARE: Ages 0–5 | The Spring of Parenting

Spring represents birth, beginnings, tenderness, nurturing and foundations.
It is the season when something new is growing, and what is growing requires careful attention. These are foundation years.

A child between birth and five years old needs enormous amounts of love, security, affection, attention and protection.

This is the season of CARE. At this stage, parenting is less about explaining the complexities of life and more about communicating: “You are safe. You are loved. You matter. I am here for you.”

Psalm 127:3 reminds us: “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD.”

Our children are gifts entrusted to us. We are not merely raising children; we are stewarding lives.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 says: “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children…”

Notice that the instruction begins with the parent. Before we teach our children God's ways, those ways must first be in our hearts.

And Proverbs 22:6 says: “Train up a child in the way he should go…”

Training begins early. A child is watching long before he or she fully understands what is being said. They are watching how we speak. How do we respond when we are angry? Do we apologize when we are wrong? Do we keep our promises? Do we treat people with respect? Do we pray? How do we respond when things don't go our way?

Our children are learning from our lives even when we are not formally teaching them. Our life is one of our child's first textbooks.

A prayer for the CARE season

Father, 

Thank You for the children You have entrusted to us. Help us to care for them well. Give us patience, tenderness and wisdom.

Help us create homes where our children experience love, safety, discipline and godly example. Protect their minds, emotions and bodies.

Let the foundations being laid in these early years become foundations of wisdom, faith, character and confidence.

Help us remember that every hug, every conversation, every correction and every example is planting something. May we plant what we will one day be grateful to harvest.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

2. COUNSEL: Ages 6–11 | The Summer of Parenting

Summer is a season of growth, activity, learning and strengthening. The child is becoming increasingly aware of the world around them.

They begin asking questions: Why? How? What does that mean? Is that fair? Why can't I? What happens if I do this?

This is an important transition. The parent begins moving from doing everything for the child to teaching the child how to think.

This is the season of COUNSEL. From obedience to understanding

Proverbs 1:5 says: “A wise man will hear and increase learning…”

Proverbs 4:7 tells us: “Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom.”

And James 1:5 gives us a principle that applies to both parents and children: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God…”

The goal of counsel isn't simply: “Because I said so.”

The deeper goal is: “I want you to understand why this is wise.”

This is when parents can intentionally begin developing:

• Critical thinking
• Problem-solving skills
• Responsibility
• Emotional regulation
• Respect
• Decision-making
• Biblical values
• Accountability
• An understanding of consequences

Instead of always solving the child's problem, we can sometimes ask: “What do you think you should do?” That simple question begins training a child to think independently.

A prayer for the COUNSEL season

Father, 

Give us wisdom to counsel our children. Help us teach them how to think, not merely what to think.

Give our children understanding, discernment and a teachable spirit. Protect them from harmful influences and give them courage to make wise decisions even when others are making foolish ones.

Lord, help us know when to speak, when to listen, when to correct and when to allow our children to learn from appropriate consequences.

Where we lack wisdom, remind us to ask You. Give us wisdom beyond our experience and patience beyond our strength.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

3. COACHING: Ages 12–21 | The Autumn of Parenting

Autumn may be one of the most significant seasons in parenting because it represents transition.

The leaves begin to change. The environment changes. The tree looks different not because it has failed but because it has entered another season.

The same is true of our children. As children move into adolescence and young adulthood, they begin seeking greater independence.

Sometimes parents interpret this change as rejection. But growing independence does not automatically mean that a child no longer needs their parents. 

It often means they need their parents differently.

This is the season of COACHING.

From commander to coach

The parent gradually moves from:

“Do what I say.” to “Let's work through this together.” 

Then:

“What do you think?” and eventually, “What are you going to do?”

That is coaching.

A coach does not play every position for the athlete. A coach observes, challenges, encourages, corrects, equips, asks questions and allows the athlete to practice.

Sometimes practice involves mistakes. The purpose is not to prevent every mistake. The purpose is to prepare the person for the real game.

Ephesians 6:4 says: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

And Proverbs 27:17 says: “As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”

Our older children still need sharpening. But sharpening is different from controlling.

Give them room to grow. One of the most difficult things for a parent to learn is that we can release control without releasing our children.

There is a difference between abandonment and healthy independence. There is also a difference between rebellion and maturity. Parents need discernment to recognize the difference.

Our teenagers and young adults need parents who can listen. They need parents who can challenge them. They need parents who can tell them the truth. But they also need room to make decisions, experience consequences and discover who God has created them to become.

Luke 2:52 says of Jesus: “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.”

Growth involves multiple dimensions; wisdom, maturity, relationships and spiritual development.

A prayer for the COACHING season

Father, 

Give us grace to release control without releasing our children.

Help us understand that growing independence is not always rebellion. Give us wisdom to distinguish between rebellion that requires correction and maturity that requires room to grow.

Teach us how to coach our teenagers and young adults. Help us listen more, lecture less, ask better questions and model the character we want them to develop.

Give our children courage to discover their gifts, pursue their purpose and make wise decisions. Protect them from destructive relationships, addictions, peer pressure and decisions that could derail their future.

And when they make mistakes, help us remain a safe place where they can return for wisdom rather than a place they are afraid to approach.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

4. CONSULTING: Ages 22+ | The Winter of Parenting

Winter is quieter. The pace changes. The parent is no longer expected to manage every detail of the child's life because the child is now an adult.

This is the season of CONSULTING.

The parent's role moves from manager to mentor to consultant. That does not mean disappearing. It means becoming available without becoming controlling.

“I have an opinion, but I don't have to make it a command.”

This may be one of the hardest lessons for parents of adult children. We can have an opinion without requiring our adult children to follow it. We can disagree without destroying the relationship. We can offer wisdom without taking responsibility for their decisions.

Proverbs 11:14 says: “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

There is still a place for parents to provide counsel. But now the adult child has greater responsibility for deciding whether and how to apply it.

A healthy parent can say:

“You are an adult. I respect your responsibility. If you want my perspective, I'm here.”

That creates space for both wisdom and respect.

Winter is not the end. It is important to understand that winter is not a season of irrelevance. It is a season of wisdom, reflection, prayer and presence. The relationship continues. It simply changes.

The parent who once held the child's hand may now sit across the table and have a meaningful conversation.

The parent who once made decisions for the child may now become someone the adult child voluntarily seeks for perspective.

That is not a loss of influence. It is a different kind of influence.

A prayer for the CONSULTING season

Father, 

Give us grace to release our adult children into their own responsibilities and decisions.

Help us not to control what we should be entrusting to You. Give us wisdom to know when to speak and when to remain silent; when to advise and when simply to listen.

Make us parents our adult children can still come to for wisdom, prayer and perspective.

Protect our adult children as they build careers, marriages, families and lives of their own. Order their steps and give them wisdom beyond their years.

When we disagree with their decisions, give us grace to maintain relationship without compromising truth or trying to control them.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Parents Must Grow Too

Perhaps the greatest lesson in all four seasons is this:

Your child is not the only one who is growing. You are supposed to be growing too.

A child moves from dependence to independence. The parent must move from control to trust.

The child moves from needing answers to learning how to find answers. The parent moves from giving answers to asking questions.

The child moves from needing direction to making decisions. The parent moves from directing to coaching.

The child becomes an adult. The parent moves from authority to influence.

This requires humility, wisdom, patience and above all, dependence on God.

James 1:5 says: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God…”

Every parent eventually reaches a moment when they realize:

“I don't know what to do next.”

That is not failure. That is an invitation to pray.

A Prayer for Every Parent in Every Season

Father, 

Thank You for the children You have entrusted to us.

We recognize that they are Yours before they are ours.

Give us wisdom for every season.

When they are young, help us CARE for them with love, patience and intentionality.

As they grow, help us COUNSEL them with wisdom, truth and understanding.

As they mature, help us COACH them with encouragement, accountability and room to grow.

When they become adults, help us become trusted CONSULTANTS; available with wisdom, prayer and love, but humble enough to respect their responsibility.

Help us grow as our children grow.

Give us wisdom to know when to hold them, when to teach them, when to challenge them and when to release them.

Give us patience when growth is messy.

Give us courage to correct when correction is needed.

Give us humility to apologize when we are wrong.

Give us discernment to know when to hold on and when to let go.

May our children not only hear about our faith but see it in our lives.

May our homes become places where character, wisdom, love and truth are formed.

And when we don't know what to do, teach us to seek You.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Four Seasons at a Glance

Spring (Ages 0-5): CARE (Nurture)

Summer (Ages 6-11): COUNSEL (Teach)

Autumn (Ages 12-21): COACHING (Prepare)

Winter (Ages 22+): CONSULTING (Support)

The progression is beautiful:

I nurture you - I teach you - I prepare you - I support you.

And eventually, if we have done our work well, our children are not simply people who were raised by us, they become adults who can stand on their own, make wise decisions, carry the values they learned, and pursue God's purpose for their lives.

Parenting is not about keeping our children dependent on us. It is about preparing them to become responsible adults who are ultimately dependent on God.

Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a season for everything.

The question is not only, “What season is my child in?” 

It is also: “Lord, what kind of parent do I need to become for this season?”

Adebayo Martins | www.bayormartins.com